I want to start off by saying Thank You to all of you, your support, kind words & Reading my blog!
This month is full of important dates for me. A few days ago I celebrated my one year anniversary for my blog. Something I have wanted to do for years and I accomplished it. I was always told that my writing wasn’t good enough, so that was a big step for me to put my writing up for the world to see!
Next, Today marks the day, I walked away from my husband, home, & life as I knew it. I stepped out of an abusive home, I took a leap from many years of isolation, verbal abuse, manipulation, mental abuse on my children, and I walked away! Some would ask why I didn’t do this or that, leave sooner, or stay and make him leave well it was a bit more complicated then that. We were married for 15 years and together since I was 15 years old. He was all I ever really knew. When I took a stand and left, I will say I was scared to death. He stole my teenage years, identity, individualism away from me. I was only allowed to be around his family & friends, unless My Mom Or Grandma was doing something to financially help him, once we got married slowly but surely he isolated me from all I was. I was only able to talk and communicate with his life
So not only did I leave my husband, but also all I knew and had.
After 10 years of marriage, he let our home go to the bank and moved our family into his parents home, His mom had passed away and his father had been diagnosed with cancer, which I took care of him until his last breath. He was very important to me and that I would not take back. I loved his parents, However they did enable him in a lot of ways but I know they were just at a loss on what to do. I don’t fault them for that.
However with that, I had no leg to stand on. It was an inherited home and no way could I fight and get it. After his parents died he got 20 times worse. I tried to get help, I encouraged and went with him to see counselors. We went to marriage counseling for 2 years,4 counselors, as soon as one would act like he had some part in problems he would change. everything was my fault, he would not take ownership of anything. Only excuses and blame. We were heavy into the church, I taught Sunday school class with the children, He turned the church against me, told them I was cheating on him, lies after lies, so that they wouldn’t listen to me and to give me a bad persona. I felt helpless. He would use the bible against me, tell me I was being a bad wife. I wasn’t holding up to what I should be. I continued to try to save my marriage. I did all that I could. He continued to get worse, He threatened to kill us all. Our children, me and himself. I knew I had to make a change, I didn’t know at that point how or what to do. But I knew it was something before a life was lost.
I knew at that point I had to start thinking about what was best for my children, and me. He would run me down in front of them, If I didn’t do what he wanted he would take it out on our son. or turn our daughter on me and tell her it was all my fault. Cornering me in small spaces was one of his favorite things to do other than purposely drive reckless to scare me. As you all know I am visually impaired and unable to drive so I couldn’t just get in my own car and drive away. He used that to his advantage.
I felt like I was living in hell. He would wake me up in the middle of the night whispering things in my ear. I found out he was doing it to our son also. Or going in and waking him up in the middle of the night, when he had school the next day. Just to make us feel uneasy and unsafe in our own home. I couldn’t sleep restfully, I was in despair. The only people I had that would support my decision was my Mom and brother.
At the end it got so bad I would have my mom come over and spend the night with us. Since she took our children to school anyway.
The night I left, we came in (my kids, me & my mom) and he had just gotten home from work. He told me he needed to speak to me outside away from everyone. I knew it would be a threat but I went so the kids wouldn’t have to listen. He told me when I stepped out the door. My Mom would have to leave she was not welcome. I knew in that second, he had plans for a bad night for us. He was trying to isolate me from my family. I told him No! if she goes, we go! He shoved me out-of-the-way and instantly made a b line for our sons room. I told Mom to call my brother we were leaving. and followed him to make sure he didn’t harm my son. He was in his face holding him by the collar. I told him to let go or I was calling the police. We were leaving, and I packed a bag for each of us. The whole time he was berating me, telling me I couldn’t leave., threatening to destroy me. I didn’t care about anything in that house, I was getting out! I couldn’t do this anymore and most importantly I had to protect my children and my safety.
Four years ago, I stood up for my own worth, self-respect, to teach my children that his behavior was not acceptable, it was Not ok, And it should not be tolerated. I was scared to death, overwhelmed is an understatement on how I felt. I did not know what was to come in the months ahead. However I held my head high, got into counseling, and my children as well and took baby steps, I can remember thinking will I get through this. I also remember telling myself, this storm will pass, God will get you through and you will be stronger for it. I wasn’t sure what the future held but I knew my present couldn’t continue the way it was going or I may not be alive in a year.
Looking back it is so hard to believe it has been four years. It have been hard, precious, bittersweet, anxious, and a lesson I will never forget.. I have made it through, I continue to learn a lot as I go. I am very fortunate I listened to my instincts and got out before I was a headline on the news. My Mom, which is single, Grandmother and brother have been my Moral supporters. Along with My best friend, the only one he wasn’t able to ruin our friendship as we had been friends since second grade and my sister-in-law. They were right there in my corner, protecting me, helping me figure things out, sometimes things I did didn’t make sense to them but they still were there for e. It has been a challenging last few years. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am happy, Single, independent now and Doing good. Last year I was robbed at gunpoint while out with my Mom and Daughter. The attacker tried to grab my daughter but I grabbed her just in time and put her behind me as the gun was pointed straight at my head and chest. I fought him too survived! In that moment I knew we were protected I was screaming, praying and fighting. Afterwards, I held my little girl so thankful! My life has not been easy, but we learn as we go, we grow and flourish.
It amazes me how much of a different person I am today. Yes I have bad days, sad days, happy days, but every day I am thankful. I would not change the decision I made 4 years, I do truly believe my life did depend on it and so did my kids! I know it is not an easy choice. It is hard! No harder than living in fear in your own home, but I wont lie some days you wonder, if you made the right choice, how will you come up with the $ for necessities but somehow it all comes together. Because of what he did with our church home and the way they turned on me, ones I thought were friends. I do not attend church regularly, However I believe and have faith more than most don’t understand.
I apologize for the lengthy post, Not really normal for me. But today I decided it was time to talk about it out loud! I usually put into a poem, more in my comfort zone, some would say, or hiding, but really it is just my way to release the words that h=are burdening my heart, or to release the bird out of its cage.
I am uniquely Me, I am happy for the people in my life, the choices I made I wouldn’t take back. It has made me stronger, I have and continue to grow into the flower that I was meant to be! My children are thriving, my son is now in his senior year doing great, my daughter is in her last year of elementary school. They are bright, happy and flourishing so wonderful. We have our flaws, work on our weaknesses but work together as a team! Thank you all for your wonderful support. Each one of you has helped me continue to grow.
So here’s to me, Stepping out into the unknown! I have conquered a lot and will continue to survive the storms, with my shoulders back and my head up, If there is any one on her fighting a battle you feel you can’t win, don’t give up hope, there is a Way! Cheers, to another year!
Lot’s of Love!!! ❤ ❤
(Jamie Leigh …)